Jeff’s Story

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment of my salvation, and I’m honestly a little confused about it myself. I’ve already been baptized twice in my life, and I might feel the need for a third if I wasn’t afraid that it might cancel the other two out. If I wanted to count the earliest start to my journey, my parents told me that I confessed Jesus as my Lord when I was six years old according to Romans 10:9-10. This was followed by my first baptism the same year. I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to be born again or to be saved from my sins, but I did trust Jesus to save me, and I’ve never really doubted that He is the only way.

Growing up, I was a nice kid, but I didn’t have a strong conscience. When I sinned, I feared getting caught by my parents much more than I feared God. As far as obedience to God went, I didn’t want to disobey Him, but if the choice was between my desires and His commandments, my desires usually won. I would sometimes offer God special obedience in one area or another if He would give me something I wanted in return, but I don’t think either of us took that very seriously.

I went to a small Christian high school, and my class was relatively well-behaved. I’m very thankful for that because it helped keep me from some of the more serious vices in life. Unfortunately, the things I was pursuing in life were far from perfect or godly. When I went to college, my selfish desire to be liked led to a lot of social anxiety. I often left social functions feeling sad and lonely, wishing I’d been more interesting or funnier.

In my senior year of college, I was camping with some friends and was overwhelmed with a feeling of being out of touch, so I made an excuse to go on a short hike and decided to pray. Up to that point, my value, joy, and self-worth came from how I was seen by other people. And I was miserable, so I prayed and asked God for help. Suddenly, like a light coming on for the first time, I thought, “What if all these things that I’m living for are wrong? What can they give me that will truly last? If I were loved by everyone, what would that matter in the long term? One day I’m going to see Jesus face-to-face; is this what He would have wanted me focused on? And if not, why am I pursuing what makes me miserable?” I decided then that I wanted to follow God, not so that He would give me what I wanted, but because He could give me what I should want. I felt instant peace and joy. I started reading my Bible daily. I was constantly in prayer, desiring to grow closer to Jesus. I’d listen to sermons while at the gym. I had never been so happy in my life as I was in those first few weeks. I even decided to get re-baptized a few years later, feeling like this was my true salvation experience.

Sadly, it wasn’t all joy and peace after that point. As I mentioned earlier, I knew I had done wrong and socially shameful things before, but I never truly felt guilty before God when I was younger. But now that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks because I desired to obey God but constantly failed. I knew the promises that we are saved by faith and not works, but my faith and love for God were far from perfect. I became discouraged after reading scriptures like John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments,” and Hebrews 10:26, “If we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins…” 

I spent many years in a cycle of recommitment and discouragement. I could spend long periods wallowing in despair, hiding from Jesus in shame until I’d had enough and would repent and renew my love and faithfulness to Him. Sometimes my renewed commitment would hold for several days or even a few months at one point, but I’d always end up falling again, and I’d wallow in fear and sin until my next surge of determination.

This year has seen some true hope, though. I met with Chad to share the details of my spiritual state, and he encouraged me to study up on what it means to abide in Christ. I’ve come to realize that the cycle of despair and hiding from God wasn’t bringing me closer to where I want to be. I can’t perfect myself. I can’t shame myself into becoming as holy as I need to be. I need to confess my failures boldly to God, trusting that only He can produce the fruit that every Christian should.

So that’s where my hope is. I feel like I haven’t produced the fruit that a believer should, but I focus on Jesus, trusting that He has justified me and that He can cleanse, forgive, and sanctify me. I can’t say that I don’t still question my salvation at times, but I have hope.